Moronic Exuberance Of The Youth

Tears in Hell.

2007-06-14T03:45:00.000-07:00

It rained yesterday,
It rained after long…
The heat of passion is still burning,
The soul is still singing the song.

It is raining today,
It is raining for long…
Tears blend with the whiskey,
Life is selling for a song.

It will rain tomorrow,
Though, not for long…
Before tears put out the fire
And whiskey kills the song!

What a TRIP !!!

2007-06-08T01:00:00.001-07:00

Summer is unbearable! The tremendous heat along with a very very high degree of humidity is simply unbearable. And summer in Calcutta is exactly that. After suffering for two whole month i finally take a mountain retreat to the northern tip of Bengal and Sikkim. It is supposed to be summer there as well. yeah! that's right... that's if you call 9 degrees hot!

I went to Ghoom, a small town near Darjeeling which might be small but is about a 1200 feet above darjeeling and houses a fantastic resort called the Sterling Resorts! The view from that place and the temperature is simply aweinspiring! Stayed there for a couple of days and proceeded to Sikkim. This state had no railroads to preserve the mountains and the trek is out of this world. When we(yeah there were 4 of us) reached Tashiding in the Yangtey Valley very close to Pelling and Gyalsing(also called Gezing), we were as close as we can get to heaven. The resort on the top a mountain called the Tashigang resort took our breath away. Situated bang on top the mountain, it is at a height of 6000 odd feet and gives a 360 degree view of the most beautiful range in the world--The Himalayas! Snow peaked mountains in the horizon so close that you feel you can bite the tip off and surrounded by clouds and mild sun rays confused us to believe it was winter time. But it is indeed summer and the Gods graced us with a view that was drop-dead gorgeous on the day we were about to leave which is only available on summer time. Check out the mountain..do you know what it is?

It's the beauty queen of all the ice-capped ranges around the world. Mount Kanjhendzonga! No wonder it is considered Goddess Kanjhendzonga in multiple religions around here!

There are certain things that i would love to mention as well apart from the mountains and the beauty surrounding it. It is about the temperature there. It is quite nippy even in the wildest days of summer and someone like me hailing from the coastline would definitely freeze to death if not for the Stunningly Hot girls of the mountains. Karseong,Darjeeling,Ghoom are definitely worth visiting if not for anything else but for the amazingly beautiful girls around(provided you have no reservations against orientals, like me!).

On a more serious note, the trip has been the by far the best i have been to, for a long time and getting back to the city and it's still unbearable heat is quite maddening and my longing for the mountains is actually giving me ideas of applying for transfer to darjeeling. ha ha ha! took loads of pictures there and am quite willing to share it with everyone!

The trip Photographs are slowly being uploaded on Flickr..keep checkin the link below to get updated pictures every time!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/balanuj/

Happiness is a state of mind!!

2007-04-02T09:21:00.000-07:00

I guess this has been the longest hiatus till date but there has been so much going in my life that despite the irresistible itch in my hands to blog, i had to be content with only the thoughts of it. ya! i kinda had my hands full till now.

I guess the big news is that i graduated :) Finally i am a master at something( now! now! i have a degree certificate to prove it :D). I left Hyderabad and have come back to my hometown Calcutta and life has not been the same since. i seriously miss people( read friends) in my life. With all my buddies scattered all around the globe i am stuck to the usual eating-drinking-sleeping-orkutting monotonous routine. Though i am savouring evey moment of this new found freedom from the clutches of education, which had me captivated for 17 long years, i would rather spend this time catching up on old friends than gossiping about future possiblities with parents and visiting worthless and countless relatives! ya my cousin brother had a son..again.. i never knew he was married in the first place. i mean how frustrating can this get? all those buggers i love to spend to time with are either busy being corporateer in some far off land or have simply gone back to spend " quality" time, like me, in their respecive natives. Can't get any worse than that ..right? Uh huh!! wrong guess..i recently got dumped! now comeon am i that bad??? dunno why life is being really kind to me. If this is a test i must admit i was never very good at taking notes!

But i am not being entirely honest here. I have a job offer and i am waiting for the joining date to come which should be within a month and i am pretty excited about it! my life is not completely devoid of fun you see. now that i am single, but not really ready to mingle, i can atleast start eyeing the cheese..if you know what i mean hehehe. not that the city has great offerings but i am not exactly gregory peck you know-i'll manage..thank you very much :)

I have almost lost a friend and the feeling sucks. we all knew this chap was a knucklehead from the very beginning but when he turned vindictive and harmful that is when i have kinda called it quits. but the feeling still sucks..may be if he proves his undying and unadulterated love and friendship(what melodrama!) to us in the future we might allow him to join the bandwagon but since he is borderline retarded and has this uncanny knack of smashing all expectations with hieghts of foolishness, i seriously doubt if we would come back to old terms again. Therefore "An intelligent enemy is better than a foolish friend" i guess :(

so even if the moral of this story is 'let bygones be bygones' , i donot have the slighest idea of what to expect next!

Happy New Year People :D

2007-01-13T20:23:00.000-08:00

do you know what the phrase "google me" means? it means look me up in google.
try using the keywords" Balanuj Mitra" or you can directly click on this link to visit the results page and save "loads" of time :)

Obscure

2006-10-17T03:54:00.000-07:00

Have you ever slept on the green grass and stared absent mindedly into the big bright blue sky? Have you seen those white cotton clouds playing around with each other? They form shapes that defy geometry but are so life like. They make you smile, they make you sad- simultaneously.

Have you ever slept on the brown banks of a murky but pleasantly flowing river and stared into the ripples formed by a distant fish-boat or an untimely tide? Have you heard the sound of a large group of fish virulently hitting the water surface with its tail and trying to form a chorus? Their actions seem imbecile but are so life like . They make you smile,albeit for a moment, they make you sad-immediately.

Specific incidents remind you of your happy past- a happy memory. Solitude serenades you with the melancholy of life. Tears adhere to rules of gravity, invariably and you grow up. I grow up every day. Most simple facets of life gives me an insight that helps me understand those incongruous feelings which titillate my sub-conscious.

Have you ever had a similar feeling my friend?

ABSTRACT

2006-10-03T08:05:00.000-07:00

I wake up to an irritating religious scream of some old moulvi to find out its one o clock in the afternoon. I call for a few of my friends but none respond when I realize all of them have left for college and am the only one left in the house. Felt very lazy about going to college because that is seriously a waste of time. So I get myself freshened up and head towards the kitchen to see if I can manage something to hog. I find aloo parathas very generously awaiting my hungry soul and I oblige them, I am a good Samaritan after all.

Big time jobless so switch on the computer and thought about orkutting for a while but alas! Net connection is down. So far so good.
I switch on the tv and look for some good movies. While surfing, a couple of the Hindi movie channels draw my attention and I intently wait for a good movie to show up. I find some old moronic intellectually challenging karishma and anil kapoor movie coming up so I surf further till I land up in HBO and Star Movies. Worthless movies. Some thoroughly gross ghost movies coming up and some Chinese bullcrap too. So I surf further when I see the logo of touchstone pictures in Zee Studios. Interested I keep looking and there it is. A perfect movie for my mood. I find runaway bride starring Richard Gere and Julia Roberts (I know I do not need to mention that) and I am so happy. Though I have seen the movie for like a thousand times but the love for it is still there. I don’t know, I just simply love those mushy romantic comedies which I know is quite improbable if not impossible in today’s world but who does not like candy floss?

But luck had other ideas I guess! Fifteen minutes into the movie the screen goes blue…cable’s out!! No net, no cable..what am I supposed to do? So I head for college. I know some of you are breathing a sigh of relief that it took me nothing more than a faulty net and tv connection to get me to college..but think again my friend. I am going to the common room to play table tennis. Enjoy!!

Reflections - Durga Puja

2006-09-27T23:58:00.000-07:00

Today is the official beginning of the festivities. let me take this opportunity to wish everytone viewing this post a very happy Durga Puja. May the goddess shower you with blessings this fall.

My plans of going home got cancelled due to some unforeseen and unavoidable circumstances. the pressure to perform has never been more intense and i cant say that am not liking the challenge. but at the same time it's kiling me from inside that i cannot visit my folks this time round...again...back to back years! Oh Kolkata- tilottama...excrutiating i tell you but i guess the show has to go on.
whats really bugging me is that my friends, namely Govind,Aakarsh and Sanjay had to cancel their trip as i let them down.The look in their eyes says it all.i know they are not blaming me and they understand but the frustratuion is clearly evident. Well i have failed my friends again. i have,for the first time in my life put my career in front of every sentiment that maters to me and the feeling cuts like a knife! oh how they wnated to see the cultural capital of India, the city of joy with me in tow but i ruined all the plans. i really wish that i can take all of them with me in december-january when the weather is too good to explore all the exploits of Bong heritage and culture! i hope they tag along.

putting up a few pictures of the festive season. i hope you all like it.

A Pandal

Maa Durga(Mother Goddess) inside a Pandal

Dhaki- the traditional drummer. An intergral part of the ambience.

Hiatus is good!

2006-09-11T07:35:00.000-07:00

It feels so good now! Every time i take a break from blogging..forced or unforced..it always feels damn good to start all over again. i can taste the freshness. so many ideas have accumulated over a period of time, life has seen so much in this short span that i really dont know what is worth noting down and what is not!
Sounds odd but been away from the roosters for quite some time...just enjoyed this solitude. enjoyed it very much. no there is no fallout, its just that i have been too lazy to move my butt out of my house. and trust me enjoyed every bit of it! But when i land in college though my unassuming friends are genuinely happy to see me after a long break, the questions in their eyes in very visible. and it gives me the creeps. its a very querr feeling that i get. i am not very good at expresing my feelings, never been. so i cant really tell them that it is just my lazyness that i dont want to come to college. but they will not buy it i guess. It has been so long now...after coming back from Bangalore we have not sat together and spoken about anything.
but today they gave me a surprise. i am goin home to kolkata for the durga pujas...and the roosters want to follow suit. Though venu cannot make it due to personal reasons and sanjay is a bit doubtful, govind and aakarsh are coming for sure. and it is raghava's hometown so he is obviously coming. the tickets have been bookd for the same day same train and i am very excited about it. i just wish sanjay and venu make it! at last i can show them the grandeur and splendor of my city and the bengali culture. not everyday does the city dress up like this. it is like the rio-carnival in terms of magnitude or more than that. when was the last time you have seen 10 millon people on the roads all dressed up and enjoying like crazy? never i believe? thats my city..thats my kolkata!

i hope it is goin to be a fall to remember.

Bangalore Times ( The Epilogue )

2006-08-16T02:49:00.000-07:00

Wondering why this title? why the abrupt epilogue. well after we hopped back into the car and came back home that was more or less the last time we all were together. yes next day we did go to the wedding but i guess you will find a much detailed version of it in Aakarsh's blog(http://kamal-aakarsh.blogspot.com). Then i had to meet a lot of friends and family and i had to stay over at my brother's place. we met on sunday when we were supposed to get going and i had to hurriedly pack my bags and head for the station. it was only me, aakarsh and govind and we whiled away our time on the train with a lot of gossip and unintellectual bullcrap.
The escapade came to an end very abruptly but it was a time well spent. Daily struggle has begun in hyderabad and i can only look back at those memorable days and smile.

More such vacations needed..wondering when sanjay will get married ;)

Bangalore Times - III

2006-08-12T01:50:00.000-07:00

3rd of August, 1800 hrs

Location: The Guest House

Supposedly all the 8 members were to meet at this hour but looks like its only three of us. Freshened up, had our smokes, had a small something to keep us going till the reception but still nobody showing up. Have no balance in cell phones so cannot even call and co-ordinate. So took up the respective books that we bought and started reading. Destination was Jayanagar which about fifteen kilometers fr0m the place we have put up (Benson Town...No not named after George Benson though it has a lovely romantic atmosphere). It should take us and hour and half to cover that distance because Bangalore traffic is legendary and everyone is well aware of that but still no signs of anyone. Our hunger is getting the better of us when one by one they started dropping by... We had to adhere to a formal dress code so we, the guys stuck to the typical finance professional attire(I begged to differ with a party tie) whereas the girls decided to wear sarees. Now what is wrong with Indian girls...on the drop of the hat they wear sarees...Now formal can be a simple salwar suit too but I guess every girl likes to dress up. Whatever!
Finally after 2 more hours of ordeal we were finally go to go at around 8:15 p.m. Holy Cow!!! But thankfully the signals were all green as I think Bangalore was all geared up for our invasion and wanted to cause as little trouble as possible. So it took us around half n hour to reach and finally we saw a brilliantly lit up place signaling the end of our journey!!
Marriage was in the air...definitely. Our friend was all decked up in suit and stuff. Looked very dashing and beaming with happiness as if he was the one getting married. Oh BTW, forgot to mention that we are so irresponsible and mindless that we even forgot that you need to gift the bride and the groom something! we just landed empty handed. Not even with a bouquet! Yeah...That’s us!
Nonetheless we have this indomitable spirit so we nonchalantly went inside and shook hands with the bride/groom and congratulated them and after a while headed straight to the dinner table to check out the menu( yeah men will be men :D)...that is where it happened!! That is exactly the place where it happened...one of the three musketeers got floored. By floored I mean finished. Have to quote Mario Puzo...Hit by a thunderbolt!!
Personally I despise the color pink but if anything has ever looked beautiful in a pink dress, it is that lady. Out of the world beauty. My words are not good enough to describe her. My friend’s expressions were somewhat close to it! My friend is by the way a non believer in relations and romantic liaisons but this time, struck by a "thunderbolt" we thought he would change his opinion. He could hardly take his eye of the lady till we came to know she is the cousin sister of the guy getting married so in turn the cousin sister of the guy's brother( that’s our friend and host for the night).
So while this episode was going on I felt really hungry and remotely suggested the concept of having dinner. Surprisingly everyone felt the same and we jumped onto a long list of delicacies. After a sumptuous meal we went out to the reception hall and sat there while a live performance was going on. Hindustani Classical gave way to some very melodious all time favorite Hindi and Telegu movie numbers and we were really enjoying our time. Our friend (the godfather guy) was enjoying it exponentially I believe because he is a musical exponent and was exposed to, and I quote, an "ethereal baeauty".yeah she was sitting right in front of us. Graceful as ever!!

More rambling later...

Bangalore Times - II

2006-08-10T03:22:00.000-07:00

And with that promissory note (actually with the promise and on a happy note...but I felt appropriate by using an inappropriate finance jargon) our friend left for his place. Now it was eight of us and it seemed most of them had different directions to head... How appropriate ;)
One bathroom was a hindrance alright but it seemed the girls were headed somewhere and a few of the guys were tagging along leaving three of us to wonder what hit us!! I mean come-on...We had been to the place for barely an hour and already people were dispersing. Well we calmed ourselves down. Located the smoke and the wine shops first (very important but futile effort. shall be revealed gradually) and then decided that we should also take off. That will give the guys off the block first a chance to get ready quickly and also one of the three musketeers (that’s us) is a Bangalore native (kinda...really looooooooong story) which basically means he has a roof on his head in the city. Therefore we took the car and left for that place and also tagged with us a couple of friends as one of them is also a Bangalore native. He was going off to meet his parents and was on route to Malleshwaram (where we were heading). Therefore we also went to his place...met his parents, did all the formalities and then in a hour came out and headed for normality. Reached Malleshwaram, took bath and then set off for the unknown pastures.

Oh ho...Forgot to mention! Last night in train we hardly ate anything so we were ravenous hence started (frantically) looking for a place to eat. then my friend a.k.a. the localite( hereby referred to as the localite throughout he tenure of this gibberish) suddenly located a place and with a loud screech the car was halted. Supposedly the best "Butter Masala Dosa" serving place in the town was open. Trust me. It is not exaggerated AT ALL. Now that is called a Masala Dosa man!! Awesome... we had two each and then felt on top of the world and then headed towards the most talked about place in town (which we still think is highly over rated)... The Brigade Road-M.G. Road crossing (ever noticed that every Indian city has a M.G. Road? Calcutta has 3!!!).
But we had other things in mind. we left the glam and glitz of the branded giants like KFCs, Reeboks, Adidas' etc and took a small narrow shabby lane that lead us to a tiny book shop called The Select Book House which proudly housed the caption,--"Where like-minded people meet!".
Quite a statement eh? We also thought so till we entered the tiny place. It’s not a book shop! It’s a man's own personal collection...God knows why he sells them and that too at a price which even Tom Hanks in U'Ve Got Mail couldn't think of!
To kinda test this man's collection I asked him whether he had a proscribed book which I have searched all over but to no avail... and bang! This guy took it out from a drawer below his table. Man I was about to jump and buy it when this guy says it has already been booked by someone else...how mean! But whatever. It’s a Salman Rushdie for Christ's sake!!! How did he get was a question I really wanted to ask but refrained from it as I liked the place already. So went in deep into his 7000 odd book collection and after lot dilemma whether to buy the entire book store or not, I finally bough two classics:
1) Man eaters of kumaon by Major Jim Corbett and
2) To kill a mocking bird by Nelle Harper Lee

Felt very content because mind you…none of these books are less than 30 years old... worth paying the fifty bucks it costed me.

When everyone was done with their shopping we headed back towards the guest house as the time to co-ordinate, meet and go over to the reception was nearing.

Stay tuned folks...

Bangalore Times - I

2006-08-10T02:31:00.000-07:00

When i finally fell aslep after a lot of deliberation, i don't think i was too unhappy about it especially when the Beach,the Babe and her Bikini was beckoning me in the dream..it was so vivid and realistic that i almost..well...another story another time.So there i was happily in sync with the train's cradle-ish rocking and sleeping happily when this sudden surge of chilly wind shook my core and i jumped up on the upper bunk to find the babes slowly blending with the fast vanishing darkness of the night. I was shivering and Bangalore was nearing.

Looked around to find my friends cuddling up like little puppies and trying to strike up a mutual between their sleep and the cold...i envied them and then decided to mare the fun...i am the seventh son of a seventh son after all..he he he...

So i jumped off the bunk, and the rest is history..we were fast approaching our destination..the city of pubs..Bangalore and had to get ready and good to go in fifteen minutes. my tortures didnot last long and much to my dismay they got up!! silly blokes! British!!!

Finally the train halted... we offloaded ourselves and waited for the angelic(if i can use that for a guy) friend who had arranged for a car for us throughout our stay in that city...what a wonderful gesture(God bless you Strongy). okay i know its confusing so a background check.. its my friend brother's wedding in bangalore and they were kind enough not only to invite us but actually to have someone escort us around the city with a car at our disposal. we guys were ecstatic. man! seldom have people been so kind to me..again, another of my legendary friend's mom pulled some strings and we got a guest house(which was and still probably is--not sure what the condition is after we left--a fantastic place to chill out) for something like ten bucks per day per room...that is rocking!!

so where were we?yeah waiting for the friend to come. He, despite having a busy schedule drove all the way to the station to receive us( man this guy is amazing...but i also have a feeling he wanted to slyly sneak out of his place and have a smoke with us which is next to impossible at his place but nonetheless he came so all forgiven..lol) and then helped us get settled in the guest house.
He took our leave and went off with our promise that yes we shall come to the reception party in the evening.

Retrospection

2006-07-26T08:47:00.000-07:00

I stare out of the window in bewilderness,
I know not what makes me smile
hopes leave me high and dry
I wish,sometimes, i had a vile..

life makes me a pessimist,
i've nothing left to boast
friends were never my cup of tea
now even love's labor is lost..

is it the world which has changed,
or me who is at fault
i dream of utopia which never can exist
i wake up with a rude jolt!

so what is it that matters,
to stay happy sans strife?
people say i am frustrated,
yes! i am frustrated with my life!!

Taking a break :P

2006-06-18T06:31:00.000-07:00

i know i have not been writing for a long time..but to tell the truth i really dont know what to write. when i go thorugh some of my friends blogs i am usually left speechless..how nicely they pen down their thoughts! i know i dont care what people think abut my blog but despite that feeling when i go through those blogs i feel i am not supposed to write anything. to me writing is a big thing..be it fictonal or reality. not everybody in this world should write though no one can stop them from doing that! its just a question of right man for the right job. for example a cricketer cannot be hired as a rocket scientist just because he had physics in his graduation. its a question of suitability and i somehow feel that i am out of place.or it can be simply that i have run out of ideas and interesting things have stopped happening to me...
my life is taking an ugly turn and i am gearing up to face the worst case scenario... wish me luck guys..no not for my life but wish so that i can get time to blog more frequently..hahahahah..gotcha..didn't i?

In Sooth I Know Not..

2006-05-10T09:31:00.000-07:00

To bait fish withal. If it will feed nothing else, it will

feed my revenge. He hath disgraced me, and hindered me half

a million; laughed at my losses, mocked at my gains, scorned

my nation, thwarted my bargains, cooled my friends, heated

mine enemies, and what's his reason?--I am a Jew. Hath not a

Jew eyes? Hath not a Jew hands, organs, dimensions, senses,

affections, passions; fed with the same food, hurt with the same

weapons, subject to the same diseases, healed by the same

means, warmed and cooled by the same winter and summer as

a Christian is? If you prick us do we not bleed? If you tickle us

do we not laugh? If you poison us do we not die? And if you

wrong us shall we not revenge? If we are like you in the rest,

we will resemble you in that. If a Jew wrong a Christian, what

is his humility? Revenge. If a Christian wrong a Jew , what

should his sufferance be by Christian example? Why, revenge.

The villany you teach me I will execute, and it shall go hard

but I will better the instruction.

Now that is called a speech!! anyone who is not familiar with the above mentioned dialogue please take a moment to search this dialogue in google and then read the book it belongs to...
i was in the eigth standard when i was forcefully made to read this despite having literary genius' all over the world failing miserably to exactly explain the gravity of this speech!! but i was forced to... and thank god for that. the book has been with me ever since and i love it, cherish it like a kid because of this single speech. Hail the genius of Shakespeare. Still waiting to get hold the DVD of this masterpiece where this speech has been delivered by Al Pacino...now thats an unbeatable combination.

Has it ever happened to you?

2006-04-28T04:22:00.000-07:00

You try to call a friend, dial a wrong number..the one who picks up is not too impressed by your mistake..you say sorry for the inconvinience caused and you start talking...two complete strangers start talking...and they end up being friends. no this is no mobile dating service, this is no hindi film coincidence..just proving "truth is stranger than fiction". people who cannot decide whether technology is blessing or a curse, this is a top notch paradox for you. a mobile phone that is like a constant homing device and most of the times a pain in the wrong place(specially when it vibrates :P) can also give you surprises like befriending a completely unknown stranger!! what a lucky accident..there is word for it...i guess its called serendipity..right? swell!

so has it ever happened to you?

"Alternative Narcissist"

2006-04-27T05:48:00.000-07:00

When u sleep do you dream? i am a very frequent dreamer and i look forward to it. true sometimes i get nightmares but my life is such a big screw up it doesnt really matter if i get an odd nightmare or two. i am more interested in the dreams.
everyone has wondered why we dream at some point of life or the other. i also do! why do we dream? is your dream in colour or is it good old black n white? i have technicolor dreams sometimes and i even remember them vividly.
i am a different man in my dreams. there i am stinking rich. i have power and i resemble tom cruise...its a polar opposite of my current state. so i love my dreams... so if you ever find out why we dream please dont come and tell me because you might develop an antidote of dreaming as well and i will lose my supremacy over this world, if you share that information with me...not everyday you can emulate mogambo right? therefore if you have the answers...stay away from me!

Weeeeeeeee Haaaaaaaan...

2006-04-26T05:20:00.000-07:00

"Dollar Dreams"

2006-04-22T00:48:00.000-07:00

U.S.A. - a lot of people seem to hate it these days. a lot of my friends do.though i cannnot relate to this colossal egocentric megalomania of a debt-ridden self proclaimed philanthropic country, there is still something about that country that gives me a pull thats almost magnetic,everytime i sit for future planning. my knowledge base has been limited to hollywood and google images and a few people from here and there who live there and occasionally visit India but nonetheless; the picture it paints...the freshness of the atmosphere, the breathtaking beauty of the concrete jungles, the seemingly happy lives and a quote of my friend," yeah we might be struggling big time here, but its better to struggle in heaven than in hell! everytime we look out of the window ,the stunning ambiance takes away the pain of loneliness, the agony of unaccomplishment and the anguish of depression!".

Can there be a better compliment than that? NO!

me, confused as ever cannot decide to whether chase the god-allmighty dollar or look for the prosperity in a so called heaven?
no matter what why do i feel my happiness lies with only three simple letters? U.S.A.? me and my dollar dreams!!!

TOO MUCH SPACE

2006-04-20T05:19:00.000-07:00

Is thinking good or bad? i dont know. i just think. think about anything and everything.thoughts are like gunpowder...waiting to explode on the slighest spark.

one of my friends said," If you are not living life on the edge, you are taking up too much space anyway!! "
yes i live my life on the edge. i struggle everyday. some people struggle to make it big, some to just make it and some just for the sake of it.i struggle to find happiness in my day to day life. i struggle to make my ends meet. i struggle to finish off with my jobs at hand. i struggle to eat, to sleep and i struggle to have mental peace. but that does not count, does it? i struggle, above all to keep my dreams alive. my dream of sleeping peacefully at night and dreaming normally. unfortunately all i can manage is nightmares.

so i live my life on the edge. but am i still not taking up too much space? is the phrase not a paradox? despite being a classic struggler i cant say i am making a mark anywhere. does that not qualify me to be a burden on earth. 23 years of what? 23 years spend uselessly. so i cannot really complain if i am being accused of taking too much space.

so moral of the story is : "if you dont live your life on the edge, you are taking too much space anyways!!"

The Faceless

2006-03-24T02:59:00.000-08:00

Prologue:

Wake up in the morning,
pounding headache..not sure whether its from the ongoing unknown pain or last night's hangover.
stuffing something down the throat and running off to destination.
getting greeted by known faces..feeling upbeat all of a sudden.
redundant life takes over in no time.
not sure if it's pleasant or upbeat anymore.
all of a sudden the agony is over..feeling jobless.
have plenty of things to do but cannot really commit.
known faces are suddenly busy..my hometown was so cool.
the headache comes back..oops!! remembering...have to submit tomorrow.
rush to take help..clueless.
two hours pass..desparate to finish..."scribble something yaar!"
10 pm... hungry like a hog..will head home.
pocket not allowing to have the drag... damn my luck!
rummaging the pockets...nice cell phone..kinda old but still state-of-the-art.
call friends..."your balance is... f***!!"... home sweet home...food..udhaar ki bidi.
sweeetheart's sweet voice..cell works? amazing... productive day..can i sleep now...who cares? fosters does...goodnight.

Epilogue:
Wake up in the morning
pounding headache..not sure whether its from the ongoing unknown pain or last night's hangover...

Wondering where's the portion that usually comes between the prologue and the epilogue? its there..look hard..its my BLOG!!

Love

2006-02-26T04:22:00.000-08:00

It is so easy to describe yet so difficult to understand. It is so easy to understand, yet so difficult to fathom. It is so easy to fathom, yet so difficult to realise. It is so easy to realise, yet so difficult to describe.

dedicated to a very special friend of mine - "cheers"

Dissociative Identity

2006-01-22T23:44:00.000-08:00

people say it's better late than never. but to my surprise i see people who realise,sulk and brood but never implement. how does it feel when insults are hurled at you in front of your near and dear ones? does is not feel like a slap on your face on the middle of a busy road? what do you do then...you feel angry, violated and you take the oath not to repeat your mistakes again. an oath to prove that you are no less among your peers; that even you can do what others do. those kudos could be your's too. but how shameless some people are. they realise their mistakes, accept their unworthyness, understand the importance of proving their mettle but alas! if only they implement their thoughts!
sometimes i wonder what these people are made up of. is their no self-esteem? how can they be happy when their efforts are miserly and results,obviously disastrous? how will anyone entrust their faith on you when they know the best you can do is fail them? you realise it all but you dont get it? are you even human?
ofcourse you are human..i have seen that aspect of yours. i have seen you drinking more than anyone else i know. i have seen you sufering more than anyone i know.i have seen you losing out on opportunities more than anyone.i have seen you wasting your parents' hard earned money more than anyone and i have also seen you wasting blog space more than anyone i know and i will ever know.when you can achieve the distinct feat of being numero uno in so many specialized fields why cant you simply finish the job given to you and atleast try to give respect to the faith entrusted on you.

but if only you understand. as always i am dead sure all my efforts have been futile,again. and since i have nothing more to say...keep blogging.

Oh Life...

2006-01-19T05:10:00.000-08:00

Give me your hand...i want to hold it like i have never before...so tightly that you will feel your love flowing through my veins...i want to hold you in arms like i have never before...come close to my heart...so close that you will hear my heartbeats dancing to the rhythm of your love...give me your lips...i want to kiss you like i have never before...so tightly that you will feel my passion burning through your tongue...look at me...i want to look at you like the way i have never done before...open your eyes and you will find your face imprinted deep into my soul...i want to talk to you today...give me your silence and you will feel my silence shouting on the top my lungs that tonight i want to make you mine...have patience..listen intently...my voice silences the din...can you hear my thoughts...can you...do you hear them calling out to you...dont abandon me tonight...dont leave me now...its hard for me...i have given you my life, my soul, my everything...then why cant i hear the familiar noises...why cant i see you clearly today...am i crying..i dont know...should i...where has all the lively noises gone... why i hear the inevitable calling...why are you not staring at me like you have always done...please...i love you...give me one more chance...i will love you even more...why i see what i dont want to see...you dont love me anymore...you are cold today...i feel numb...my mind is freezing.. my eyesight is deeming...oh God what have i done to you...why you punishing me...you dont even want to listen..i understand it now...you are heartless..you hate me...you despise me...you dont want me anymore...i feel choked...wont you even say goodbye...at least look into my eyes when you say that...you ditching me for new ones...you heartless bitch...you..you...

perchè non se lo fidate di?

2006-01-18T04:20:00.001-08:00

when i say i know you
do you believe me?
when i say i feel your pain
do you believe me?
when i say i understand
do you believe me?
when i say i know what you going through
do you believe me?
when i say i know why you cry
do you believe me?
when i say i cry when you cry
do you believe me?
when i say i hate to see you cry
do you believe me?
when i say i will kill anyone who pains you
do you believe me?
when i say i will make the pain go away
do you believe me?
when i say you mean a world to me
do you believe me?
when i say i love you
do you believe me?
when i say i will make things work
do you believe me?
when i say i care
do you believe me?
when i say you will be happy
do you believe me?
when i say i will bring you happiness
do you believe me?
when i say trust me
why dont you believe me?

Food for thought........

2005-12-29T01:42:00.000-08:00

One of the original soundtracks (OST) of the Popular Hollywood Motion Picture-'The Thomas Crown Affair', has a lot to say behind these lines. Well i seriously feel so. But i am really unable to figure out what the lyrics are trying to say.

'Everything is never quite enough', that’s for sure, but the song theme is such that it makes u feel that there is some kind of deep lust and unfulfilled desire which is being craved for. What do you exactly feel??

It may be difficult to get too deep into the actual feeling of the song, without actually listening to it. (OST by Wasis Diop). Give it a shot. It’s like 'food for thought'

……..
Moments take so very long who has time to fear?
Trust is set on precedent; why should it be I who bleeds?
Giving you a little less, forsaking what I need.
Everything is never quite enough.

Let machinery fake my face Who has time to chase?
Digital is where it is; love can always be replaced.
Welcome to my consciousness - welcome to our race.
Everything is never quite enough.

Can't see my face: what are you thinking?
Fill in the space, please - oh let me hear you....

Sterilized behind these gates, locked behind the green.
Even if I had you here - what we had was never clear
No more words to say to you; no more thoughts appear

Life was taking way too long, who had breath to waste?
Tired of disappointing you, bored with everything I do.
Every day there's less of you. Me, I've been erased.

Remembrance...

2005-12-29T00:46:00.000-08:00

The tide comes and the tide goes,
leaves behind tears of despair..
and a hushed silence,
the tide and fate had a brief affair..

nincompoops we are,
we cry at what is lost..
fate, it seems, is not without a sense of irony,
they had nothing to boast.

standing on the shore,
we look at the vast beauty...
never do we look deep,
to see the biggest calamity .

rocking on this easy chair,
its easy to say i know...
they dont need empathy anymore,
its time to help and show...

so this is a call to all who care,
to help and rebuild lost hopes and bases...
to show humanity is more than mere patronizing,
Lets put the smiles back on those innocent faces!!**

** www.kamal-aakarsh.blogspot.com/2005/12/potrait-of-orphan.html

I thank Aakarsh from the bottom of my heart for making me realise!!

The Other Side Of The Darkness

2005-12-21T01:08:00.000-08:00

last night, as usual, i put up at my friends' place to basically study for the coming exams. serious times demand serious attention.so there we were thinking what should be the plan of action for the forthcoming series of dilemmas.we decided finally that we had enough of fun for the semesters and now we needed to buckle up and start studying if there was any intention of passing.we decided that the moment was right now.

but as destiny had planned out for us, the power in the area went off as soon as we started. disgusted by the fact that even fate cannot stand us studying, we searched for the pack of cigarettes( required light coming from the cell phones )and went out on to the road to drag.with strong disgust we looked around the surroundings and found that the only illumination was our cigarttes and the twinkling stars.

now how can someone be mad at the night for long when you see the mesmerizing reflection of twinkling stars on the briliantly shining armour of the glorious darkness? not me at least and i was proud of the fact that my friends were enjoying the darkness as much as i was.our minds were racing...thoughts were flying into the open sky when we realised that it has been really so long that we have risen above the concrete jungle to truly appreciate the beauty of nature,day or night! the darkness was a bliss.

but somewhere out there in the vastness of the sky,my favourite lady was missing! she was hiding from us for some unknown reason; may be she despises the fact that we never stop for a moment to appreciate her immortal beauty,rather we utilise the night to look out for earthly heartwarmers without blemishes,very much like the blind bats in search of their soul mates.and as the gardener protects his fruits from the deadly assault of the bats,it seemed the sky was hiding her most savoured fruit from the lurking eyes of us-the bats!

we succumbed to the stunning yet subtle charm of the night that was devoid of any moon light but still managed to spellbind us with a rich elixir called sheer darkness. the distant stars shone like millions of magnificiently cut diamonds,pouring their cosmic blessings on us. we were basking in the glory of the darkness when suddenly a sharp ray of light pierced the atmosphere like a flash of a sword and the entire ethereal feel of the moment was assassinated forever.

the power had been restored, the divine blessings stopped abruptly and made us feel like naked people suddenly realising the power of a thousand staring eyes. unfortunate as we are, we went inside our rooms and took up our books to show that life is a show and the show has to go on!

HOLD ON YET A WHILE ,BRAVE HEART

2005-12-20T00:40:00.000-08:00

If the sun by the cloud is hidden a bit,
If the welkin shows but gloom
Still hold on yet a while, brave heart,
The victory is sure to come.

No winter was but summer came behind,
Each hollow crests the wave,
They push each other in light and shade;
Be steady then and brave.

The duties of life are sore indeed,
And its pleasures fleeting, vain,
The goal is shadowy seems and dim,
Yet plod on through the dark, brave heart,
With all thy might and main.

Not a work will be lost, no struggle vain,
Though hopes be blighted, powers gone;
Of thy loins shall come the heirs to all,
Then hold on yet a while, brave soul,
No good is e'er undone.

Though the good and the wise in life are few,
Yet theirs are the reins to lead,
The mases know but late the worth;
Heed none and gently guide.

With thee are those who see afar,
With thee is the Lord of might,
All blessings pour on thee, great soul,
To thee may all come right!

- Swami Vivekananda (12 Jan, 1863 - 4 July, 1902)

may his bleesings be poured on all of us.

About My Life...

2005-12-16T04:24:00.000-08:00

now that i have started writing more or less frequently and feeling proud to be a blogger i would like to introduce the world to the living legend( no!!! not you-know-who you stupid morons.... that is Aakrash's forte anyways )- the man himself, the author...ME.
i am a sagittarian( my birthday just went by,no points for guessing) and true to its core. an archer by the sign who has targeted many a woman in his life but his cupid with the arrow has always boomeranged to hit him where the sun never shines! being born on the 13th of the 12th month has its own agonies i guess. but then again,like a true blue sagi, i never give up hope and i try and try,much like the mice who turned milk to cheese, and get to my target. but then again i am a hopeless romantic who is in love with the idea of being in love more than actually being in love. same can be said about my literary creations also, i guess. i love the thought of writing a poem probably more than i like writing poems.
often i sit back like there is no tomorrow and the beer bottle in my hand starts talking in my mind only to be boosted by the light breeze gently accompanying the mild music floating into my ears from some distant horizon. my life, my dreams start passing in front of my eyes and the thoughts,outrageous they might be -nonetheless very close to my heart, flow out like the champagne which silently fumes inside a transluscent bottle only to be unleashed like a beast when you cork it out during some celebration. i feel myself going through a special journey called life where every step taken is a bottle of champagne opened and i drink life to the fullest. i wish sometimes if only i could pen those thoughts down but my tremblesome hands contradict my turbulent mind. the burning cigarette between my fingers have the uncanny resemblence with my brain-children. they burn with passion, live with breath but are ultimately blown in the air to smithereens and all that prevails is an eerie silence broken only by the mild music which again inspires the re-birth of the chain very much like a phoenix; which can be termed as the chain of my deepest thoughts or can simply be labelled the excuses of a chain smoker to run away from the reality called life.
i cannot tell you people what this blog promises to showcase but it definitely is the platform where i try my level best to conquer whatever is the hindrance for me getting in tune with my deepest darkest innermost thoughts. i might falter at every step but the sagi inside me promises to try even harder the next time to fight against the man in the mirror!

What not to do in your spare time

2005-12-15T03:53:00.001-08:00

now that the crappy "tick- tock" psychology is out of my mind for good, i actually had an oppurtunity to look at life from a totally different perspective. it was feeling good be kind of reborn. so now that i had time to burn ,i once again turned to my favourite pastime( its a passion- if you can call it that), reading!!

for quite a while now i have been hearing rave reviews about one IIT guy writing a book called " Five point someone". it would be untrue to state that i was not curious about the book. actually i wanted to know what was so special about it. though my kind of reading is a bit different from normal sidney sheldons and jeffrey archers( dont ask what i generally do read) but still my curiousity led me to borrow the book from a friend and start being enlightened about" what not to do in IIT ".
so this guy, the male protagonist, is an engineeer in the making..genius enough to crack IIT but unfortunate enough to land up there. he is a happy go lucky kind of a character and the entire book is about his vodka-drinking-pot-smoking-system-blaming-girl-fantasizing escapades with his two brothers-in-arms partner-in-crime friends ,on top of the institute roof. the system there is ruthless and merciless and he cannot help faltering at every step and eventually land up with big disciplinary problems(sounds like my school days hehe ).the book is named the way it is because that is the Grade Point Average that the three friends managed in four years of rigourous IIT-style grinding and grilling. the story promises to turn out to be a real blockbuster but the reader cannot feel more helpless as the lucid but interesting style of narration holds the readers but at the end of it all there is very little to look out for. the story somehow lacks the punch( who wants to know what a loser did in his grad school when everyone has their own past to refer to -which just might be more interesting)and it becomes a moronic redundancy of foolishness by the protagonist and his friends. though it is hailed to be a work of fiction, somewhere down the line you feel the is author speaking his mind. well i managed to burn midnight oil to get to the end of it all and without much surprise when the morons finally graduate, i switched off the lights and did something that i should have done long back....slept off!
so here i am ,thoroughly unhappy with the outcome of the novel(if one can call it that)and cribbing over the fact that i wasted three precious hours of my life. but dont worry..not gonna revert back to my stupid psychology...will simply re-read the maestro.... Kahlil Gibran...ofcourse!!

tock tick

2005-12-10T08:50:00.001-08:00

just realised something today..life is not all about looking at the clock and thinking about the final sleep. today i understood why people actually enjoy the passing of time! i was in my college and the faculty was going gaga on some subject which has been perennially problematic for me to fathom. she was referring to the angle of incidence and i was busy calculating the degree of that very angle of incidence between the lecture and my head.at that very crucial juncture of my calculation where i ws about to finalise the degree of inclination, it so happened that my eyes fell on the clock and to my utter suprise and shock, the first thought that breezed through my mind was not about the eternal journey but the eternity of the lecture. it was going on and on and on and all i could do was secretly but fiercely wish that the hands of the clock actually runs faster than 260 kms/hr ( courtesy : "you-know-who" ) and the lecture comes to an if not "screeching" but a permanent halt!! the breathless lecture was leaving me gasping for breath. it is at this point that the realisation started sinking in -- end of time is not necessarily for the worse; sometimes it can be even for the betterment of someone's life :-(

After a long hour which lasted for a couple of days(that is what i felt) the lecture stopped and i ran for some fresh air outside and ran till the college lab which facilitates me to satisfy the itch in my hand that longed for blogging this paradigm shift of philosophy...

if you are wondering what happened to this guy's "tick - tock" psychology -- i did not name the blog "The Moronic Exuberance of Youth" for nothing ;)
cheers.

tick tock

2005-12-02T04:01:00.000-08:00

one of my closest friends( or i think so) celebrated her birthday a couple of days back...well we had a big party and everyone enjoyed... i was watching the birthday girl very closely. she was beaming with happiness and looked like can take it for a 100 more years. well very sincerely i wish that too. but then again the objective of this mindless blabbering is something else... during the entire length of the party i was thinking about how people enjoy getting older and why are we , the so called friends and well wishers, are joining in that celebration?? okay 1 of the reasons was that she topped in the semesters and the results were published on that very day but then again am pretty sure ,that was only one of the reasons but definitely not the only or the biggest reason. the happiness of growing older was showing but did she or for that matter did any of us ever realise that with every passing hour, every passing minute, every passing second we are inching close towards our final destination? i presume not! so many things to do and so little time left..soon to complete 22 precious years of my life and with not many more to go, today i feel helpless,clueless and tongue tied... every time i take a look at the clock it tells me much more than mere time..it tells me i dont have much time left. its a constant reminder that life is cruel- it will pass before your very own eyes and you can do nothing about it ! no body can! so what is the objective of all this... i dont know! am just afraid !! my friend who is a pretty regular writer on the blog suggested me the idea of expressig my fear through the blog..am doing that right now..still looking at the watch...still afraid!

here cometh the man...

2005-12-01T06:49:00.000-08:00

well as the name suggests ...here comes the man..keep watching this spot for the IPO of the moron.... stay tuned!!